By WALLACE BAINE
Citizens, you can’t be happy with the positions that the candidates for governor – Moonbeam and eMeg, I call ’em – have taken on global warming. True, I don’t exactly know what those positions are, but I’m sure I don’t approve.
That’s why I’m launching my own campaign for governor, based on that single issue. But it’s not what you think.
Oh, yeah, global warming is the single biggest crisis of our lifetimes, yadda, yadda. But I won’t be campaigning to stop it. I mean, let’s be adults about this. That ship has sailed, people. It’s time to change tactics. It’s time we take action to adapt to it.
It’s called the Iced Tea Party movement, and it’s all about chillin’, and we mean that literally.
Al Gore’s going to be sore, but sorry, them’s the breaks. Nice movie, Al. Great visual effects, really. It just didn’t take, that’s all. You gave it a shot. No shame in that. It’s not your fault that we’d rather hear about burning Korans and what Ashton is doing to Demi. You can’t win them all (or, in your case, any of them). Maybe you should have Twittered more – I’m just sayin’.
And you, the vast majority of the world’s climate scientists, it’s time to put all this talk of carbon taxes in the drawer and start figuring out how to build that giant pair of Ray-Bans that can cover the North American continent.
As the leader of the Iced Tea Party movement, my platform for the governor’s office is as follows – provided, of course, that the governor’s office is air-conditioned:
The first thing I do as governor is to strike a dramatic blow against the fashion industry’s iron grip on our lives. With an executive order, I will repeal the unjust and impractical law against wearing white after Labor Day. And I will order counties and municipalities to drop all restrictions against wearing mini-skirts after the age of 35.
In fact, these will be merely the first moves against elitist and crippling anti-nudity laws. I will support the decriminalization of public nudity, legalizing it in small amounts for personal use, and in all cases when prescribed by a doctor. The Whitman campaign’s insistence that my policy will put California’s robust bikini industry out of business is just plain wrong. In all public places that serve food or alcohol, I would require at least the use of fashionable swimwear, provided the misters are in working order and there’s plenty of iced tea available. I think reasonable people could live with that.
I will also work to reverse generations of human evolution with a goal to make all Californians a nocturnal population. Yes, indeed, I will mandate that all state offices open each day at 9 p.m. and close at dawn. I will offer tax breaks to private businesses that adopt similar hours. Sure, our state is fast becoming a blistered, unlivable hellscape, but that’ll only be the peak afternoon hours. The nights will be lovely, trust me.
Global warming is wreaking havoc with our natural resources, particularly our groundwater, and despite what Jerry Brown apparently believes, water doesn’t grow on trees.
Our campaign recognizes that our proposal to retrofit every single-family dwelling in the state with a swimming pool is going to put new demands on our water resources. We’re already sucking the water table dry as it is.
So, we’re going to launch an ambitious new public works program using all that tax money we are now using in the dubious task of trying to hold off environmental catastrophe. I have engineers drawing up a plan to create an enormous underground aqueduct that will import billions of gallons of water from sources underneath the states of Oregon and Washington, y’know, kind of like a cute young couple sharing a single milkshake with two straws?
Of course, ideally, we must pursue this project without the consent, or even the knowledge, of the people of Oregon and Washington who are still busy foolishly trying to save planet, so they may not notice anyway. Still, let that be our secret, fellow Californians. Remember loose lips drain swimming pools.
Many of my other ideas won’t be nearly so costly. For instance, you know all those windmills we have in the Altamont Pass and down in the Southern California desert trying to create an alternative energy industry? Let’s put those babies on a tilt, point them toward our more populated areas and get a nice afternoon breeze going.
Plus, we’ll convert all our public transportation systems to those awesome “Love Trains” in the Coors Light commercials that bring cooler temperatures and refreshing adult beverages to everybody who happens to be standing around every time it rolls into the station.
That’s putting Californians first, people.
As your governor, I will tell you the truth that neither the environmentalists or the deniers will tell you. It’s time to refocus our attention on living with a hotter climate, not pretending we can stop it from happening. We in California pride ourselves on being innovators and we like being thought of as cool. Now we get to be both. Now we get to show the world what happens when you stop worrying about carbon emissions and start thinking about margarita intake instead.
Because that’s what we in California are all about. When we see enormous, implacable natural forces bearing down on us like, say, a giant wave heading for our shores, we don’t deny it’s there and we don’t hope it will disappear if we only recycle enough plastic water bottles.
No, that’s not our style. What do we do when confronted with the waves of irreversible change? We surf it, that’s what.